A Very Fashionable Story
By ZB
CAUTION: Lord Super-Cute Voldemort and Dolores 'Unabridged' Umbridge make an appearance; procede with care.
Random Guy On The Sidewalk: (looks at poster on a telephone pole) Ooh, a fashion show! That looks like fun! (turns to other people walking around him) Hey, guys! Check this out!
Harry Potter: OMG! SNAPE CAN'T BE ELECTED BEST-LOOKING WIZARD! IT CANNOT BE!
Can't Miss: Yeah, I'm the best looking wizard. Duh.
HP: You're not a wizard
CM: Who made YOU the owner of Carnival Cruise Lines?
HP: ...What?
CM: Go buy yourself a hot dog!
HP: Okay... (buys a hot dog)
The next day (at the Best-Looking Wizard Election)
Hermione: Why is this election in Rutabaga's basement?
Rutabaga: Shh! My parents don't know!
Wicked Witch Of The West: I'm just here for the refreshments! (drinks a tall glass of sparkling water) HAHAHA, WATER! Take that! I can drink SPARKLING water without melting!
HG: You melt when you drink water?
WWW: Yeah. Try running a marathon without water. It's not easy, my pretty.
HG: Oookay.
Voldemort: (gets onto the stage) Welcome, my friends, to the Best-Looking Wizard Election! (halfhearted applause)
Random Guy: Boo! You're terrible! Get off the stage!
V: Who are you and why do you question my coolness? (flexes masculinely)
RG: I don't know, but you aren't the hottest wizard! Gandalf is!
Gandalf the Grey: Now, Random Guy, we all know it's true, but I needn't flaunt it. (everyone stares at him) Okay, maybe a little. (stands up and rips off robe, revealing a hot pink sparkly leotard) Oh yeah! I'm sexy and I know it!
RG: THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!
HP: MY EYES! (his eyes catch on fire) Gandalf, cover yourself up! You're too much! (Gandalf starts doing the hula)
V: (unfazed) As I was saying, we're here for the Best-Looking Wizard Election. Obviously I will be entering, as will Gandalf the Pink-
GG: I am NOT pink! I am totes Grey.
V: (still unfazed) The nominees are me- Lord Super-Cute Voldemort- Gandalf the Pink, Harry 'Hotter' Potter, Albus 'Dumblondore' Dumbledore, Severus 'Severely Awesome' Snape, Fred 'Foxy' and George 'Good-Looking' Weasley, and, everyone's favourite, Dolores 'Unabridged' Umbridge. Our judges for tonight are-
Umbridge: Oh, yes, I am sobeautiful! (gets up and dances the hula with Gandalf)
V: (no longer unfazed and now very disturbed) Unabridged, you are a witch, not a wizard. This is the Best-Looking Wizard Election. You belong next door with Luna Lovegood, Cho Chang, Ginny Weasley, and Frodo Baggins.
Pippin: Frodo's a girl? (turns to Merry) Did you know?
Merry: Of course. Didn't you see his ballet recital last week? He had a lovely purple tutu.
PT: (shocked) Where's Snape?
Snape: (steps onstage wearing a green ball gown) Lord Super-Cute? Can I speak with you for a moment?
V: I'm in the middle of something, Severely Awesome.
SS: It's urgent!
V: Well, speak up!
SS: I'm all out of silver lipstick.
V: (faints)
PT: Well, that's it. I'm out of here. You coming, Merry?
MB: No way, man! This is the height of high fashion and entertainment. Didn't you read the latest issue of 'Hobbiton's Hottest', starring Bilbo Baggins? This is everywhere, dude! (Pippin leaves)
V: (wakes up; a disappointed Snape returns to the dressing room) Our steamy- sorry, esteemedjudges for tonight are Merry Brandybuck, Darth Vader, and Sauron.Alright, let's get this party started! First up, we have... me!
Everyone: Voldemort! Voldemort! Voldemort!
V: (runs behind the curtain for a second) One moment! (reappears in a short, leopard-spotted dress and cherry-red Stilettos) Whaddya think? Am I sexy or what?
MB: I'll give it a 2.
Darth Vader: Oh, Merry, you're mean. Lord Super-Cute deserves a 10!
Sauron: You've both lost your minds. He gets a 20!
MB: You can't give him that.
Sauron: Fine, then he gets a 0.
V: WHAT? No, I'll take the 20!
HG: The Judges' Handbook specifically says on page 320 that the judges may only give a score from 0-10.
S: Yeah, I said he gets a 0. Live with it. You get 12 total.
V: Fine... (exits the stage)
GG: (walks onstage in his hot pink sparkly leotard and continues hula dancing) Oh yeah! Can't stop dancing!
MB: Gandalf, please, please, please stop dancing.
GG: No, man, I seriously cannot stop dancing. Harry Potter cursed me! (everyone glares at Harry, who is changing)
HP: What? He's a good dancer!
MB: I'll give him a 2.
DV: Oh, stop that! He gets a 10 for dancing!
S: It wasn't deliberate, Darthy-pie. He gets a 6. That's a total of 18. (Gandalf walks off stage)
Ron Weasley: Jeez, you guys stink!
HP: (enters, finished changing, in Lady Gaga's meat dress and starts singing 'Paparazzi') Papa-paparazzi!
MB: Oh my goodness. (Slaps his forehead) What is wrong with these people? YOU GET A 2.
DV: Who chopped your hand off with a lightsaber? This bloke gets an 8.
S: I hate both of you. Hotter Potter gets 7, which brings his total to 17.
HP: (bursts into tears) But I've been preparing for this FOREVER! You have to let me win!
S: Get off the stage.
HP: Fine! (stomps away and throws a tantrum)
MB: What is this, Toddlers And Tiaras?
Dumbledore: (enters in his pyjamas) Sorry, I forgot the thing was today.
MB: 2.
DV: Dude, you're crazy and I love you! 10!
S: 0. Man, you're terrible. 12 is a bad score.
AD: Yeah, I know. Can I get back to my nap?
SS: (charges onstage wearing his bright green ballgown and silver lipstick) Out of my way, you old blighter! It's MY turn.
MB: So you found that lipstick?
SS: Yeah. It completes my outfit, no?
MB: No. You get a 2.
DV: (bouncing in his seat) YOU LOOK AMAZING. 10, my man! 10!
S: I actually think you look very charming. How about a 9?
SS: (squeals) I have to post this on Headtome! This is SO EPIC! I'm about to win Best-Looking Wizard with my cool 22! This is going to top all my posts, even the one about Harry's mascara dilemma!
RW: You wear mascara, Harry?
HP: (sticks head back onstage) I know. I'm so pulchritudinous, right?
RW: If that means strange, then yes, you are pulchritudinous.
HP: (giggles) He called me pulchritudinous!
HG: Ron, that means beautiful.
RW: AAAH, NO! You're very not pulchritudinous!
MB: Oookay, next!
Fred and George Weasley: (enter wearing Invisibility Cloaks) Aren't we perfect?
GW: I'm obviously cooler than my brother! (strikes a pose)
FW: Not even close, man.
GW: That's what YOU think.
FW: Oh, yeah? (jumps on George and they engage in a boxing match)
MB: (laughs) This is funny because you can't actually see them! Look, the dust on the stage is moving, but you can't actually see Gred and Forge! They get a 10!
DV: You're joking, right? They get a 3. This is awful.
S: They're an insult to fashion! They get 1!
GW: Aw, we only have 14. Let's get out of here, Fred. They're not very nice.
MB: Hey, I gave you a 10!
FW: Okay, you're cool, Merry. You're a hobbit. Hobbits are naturally cool.
(A few minutes pass)
DV: Did they leave?
MB: I guess so. Next!
DU: (walks onstage in a fairy princess costume) Hi!
MB: You're not a man.
DU: And?
MB: This is a WIZARD competition.
DU: Fifty points from Gryffindor!
MB: ...I'm a hobbit, lady. I'm not a wizard and I'm not in Gryffindor. You get a 2.
DV: 5.
S: You're hot, so you get a 10. (Merry and Darth stare at him) What? I like toady old ladies!
GW: BOO!
DU: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
FW and GW: Hahaha! INVISIBILITY CLOAKS RULE!
MB: Alright, everyone back onstage! (all enter)
DV: First of all, I'd like to announce something. Everyone, I am Voldemort's father. That's why I gave him a 10.
V: Daddy, I love you!
DV: I know, sweetheart. I'll buy you that pony tomorrow, alright?
V: Okay!
MB: Let's get back to business. In first place, we have Snape with 22 points. (crowd cheers)
SS: Yay! (does a victory dance)
S: That was extremely unflattering. Next we have Gandalf with 18 points. (cheering)
GG: (more hula dancing) Oh! Oh yeah! Take that!
DV: Harry and Umbridge tied for third with 17 points each.
MB: Fred and George ended up in fourth with 14 points.
S: In last, we have the two lousiest contestants fashion has ever seen: Dumbledore and Voldemort, coming in with 12 measly points.
GW: What was that about Weasley?
FW: Yeah, you got something against Weasley?
S: No, I said measly.
GW: Oh, so we're measly?
FW: That's it. You're gonna get it. (Both attack Sauron)
MB: (gets up on stage) That's all for tonight, folks! For more fashionable fun, go next door to the girls' show.
Zucchini: Hey, he's reading off a notecard!
MB: No, really?
Z: But I like him better than the others! Merry gets a 10!
Everyone else: Yeah! 10 for Merry!
MB: Okay, then. I win!
HP: What's the prize?
MB: (takes out another notecard) A mango smoothie.
