Ok, so this story is written by ZB, (the idea was made by both of us) and it completely sums up how love triangles should be solved. I REALLY hate, ok, sorry, strongly dislike, how authors think that by adding some sort of romance and/or a love triangle, it will make their story better/more interesting. Well, NEWS FLASH TO ANY AUTHOR WHO THINKS SO: this does nothing but make your story STINK and make the readers want to rip up the pages and use them as piñata filling!!! There is little worse than reading a book that would have been amazing had you not inserted the horrid event of a love triangle (which is actually a love v, because I am pretty sure it is two people fighting over one person, not all three in perfect harmony and love and all that (because that would solve the whole dilemma REALLY fast and spare us the torture of reading that poopifulness)). OK, anyway, on to the story, which would seriously solve all love triangles in a flash.
A Very Lovely Story
Can't Miss: I love you, Zucchini!
Zucchini: I love you too, Can't Miss!
(Rutabaga walks in)
Can't Miss: OMG! I LOVE YOU, RUTABAGA!
Zucchini: I thought you loved me?
Can't Miss: Oh no! Whatever shall I do? (faints melodramatically)
Later
(Zucchini and Rutabaga are still standing there; Can't Miss wakes up)
Can't Miss: I had a dream. Severus Snape came and gave me Love-Triangle Counselling!
(The others sigh in relief)
Rutabaga: Wait... Severus Snape!?
Can't Miss: Yeah, you got a problem with that?
Rutabaga: (blinks his eyes innocently) Who me? Zucchini said that!
Zucchini: (wakes up, for he'd fallen asleep) What? Yeah... yeah... that was... me... (falls back to sleep, snoring loudly)
Can't Miss: As I was saying,
the Snapester-
Zucchini: (wakes up suddenly) THE SNAPESTER??? (Rutabaga knocks him out)
Can't Miss: AS I WAS SAYING, SNAPE told me that the solution to all my problems lies within... this! (Can't Miss takes out her smartphone)
Rutabaga:
What, is Snape a teenage girl? (imitating Snape as a teenage girl) OMG!
That's, like, a phone! Like, OMG, what's up with H-Dog? He's, like, soooo annoying!
Can't Miss: H-Dog?
Rutabaga: Harry Potter, duh.
Can't Miss: Ooookay. Now, AS I WAS SAYING,
Snape gave me this phone. (unlocks the phone and opens up the Coin Flip
app) Now, see these two vegetables here on each side of the coin?
Rutabaga: Hey, that's me!
Can't
Miss: Actually, that's a rutabaga. Now, as I was saying, this one is a
rutabaga, symbolising you, and the other is Zucchini's zucchini. I'm
going to flip the coin and whoever's face shows up wins. This'll be best
of 5 for dramatic effect, alright? (Zucchini wakes up; both nod) Here
it goes. (Flips the coin; Zucchini)
Zucchini: WHOO! I WIN!
Can't Miss: It's best of five.
Zucchini: Oh. I was sleeping.
(Goes back to sleep; Can't Miss flips again; Zucchini)
Rutabaga: That's not fair! Zucchini won twice in a row!
Can't Miss: Shut up, you ignoramus.
Rutabaga: What's an ignoramus? (Can't Miss flips the coin again; Rutabaga) YAY! THAT'S ME! I WIN!
Can't Miss: Did you REALLY forget about
the whole best of 5 thing?
Rutabaga: I was sleeping? (Can't Miss flips again; Rutabaga; Snape walks in)
Snape:
OMG! I totally can't stand the tension! It's, like, worse than when I,
like, threw, like, Dumbledore, like, off, like, that, like, tower! (He
leaves)
Can't Miss: Here goes nothing! (She shakes the phone too hard and it flies up into the air) Oh no!
Voldemort:
(smashes through the wall riding on a princess-themed tricycle, with
the bright pink training wheels still attached, rainbow streamers on the
handlebars, and Cinderella's face plastered to the pink basket on the
front) HAHAHA! I AM SO EVIL! (he cuts the phone in half)
Zucchini: (wakes up) Now what are we supposed to do?
Voldemort: (smashes into the opposite wall and bursts into tears) Ouchie! I got a boo-boo!
Rutabaga: And you
ruined our coin flipping party!
Can't Miss: Not quite! (walks over to Voldemort) You've got something in your ear. (pulls out Ron Weasley)
Ron:
THANK YOU! It's not exactly clean in there! (starts to run, then
remembers something) I found this in there, by the way. Do you want it?
(Ron hands Can't Miss an arcade token, and then runs away)
Can't
Miss: Now, we're going to finish this off once and for all! (flips the
coin) Well, this says 'No Monetary Value'. Which of you has no monetary
value?
Voldemort: (hands Can't Miss two small photographs of vegetables) Use these.
Can't Miss: (tapes the pictures to either side of the coin and flips it again) Well, here's the final result!
To Be Continued
Right Now
Can't Miss: And the final result is...
Voldemort:
I CAN'T TAKE THE STRESS! (picks up his tricycle and runs from the room,
but sticks his head back in) Wait, could somebody tell me later?
The other 3: Of course
Can't Miss: As I was saying, the final result is... this long green thing.
Rutabaga: What does a rutabaga look like?
Zucchini: What does a zucchini look like, for that matter?
Can't Miss: I think it's a zucchini, but I'm not sure. We'll need an expert opinion. (Merry and Pippin walk in)
Merry: That's a tomato.
Pippin: No, it's a potato.
Can't Miss: It can't be either of those! It has to be a zucchini or a rutabaga! (Fred and George walk in)
Fred: Oh, that's a rutabaga.
George: No, it is obviously a zucchini!
Pippin: I still say it's a potato.
Merry: YOU ARE ALL BLOCKHEADS! IT IS SUCH A TOMATO!
Pippin: POTATO!
Fred: RUTABAGA!
George: ZUCCHINI!
Rutabaga: RUTABAGA!
Zucchini: ZUCCHINI! (An epic 6-way game of patty cake is
started up)
Can't
Miss: (sighs) Whatever. I've still got the Easter Bunny. I wish I knew
what this was, though. (Drops the token on her way out; the pictures
fall off, and it is revealed that they were labelled on the back)
Pippin:
(picks the pictures up) This says it's a cucumber. (Looks at the other)
And this is a turnip! We've been tricked! (two men named Turnip and
Cucumber walk in)
Cucumber: I WIN! Wait- what did I win?
Rutabaga: I don't even remember anymore.
Zucchini: Yeah, what was this even for?
Fred: Well, anyone up for dinner?
George: Yeah, let's go get some pizza!
Merry: No, ice cream!
George: PIZZA!
Merry: ICE CREAM!
Zucchini: Let's flip a coin!
The End!!!
Ok, now try it. Take the most infuriating love triangle from a book (or real life, if this has ever happened to you) and apply it to this solution. The Katniss, Peeta and Gale situation? Ky, Cassia, and Xander? Meghan, Ash and Puck? America, Maxon, and Aspen? Max, Fang, and the Dylan Poop? Bella, Edward, and Jacob? Aragorn, Arwin, and Eowin(Ok, this one not so much, but still, really????) Squirrelflight, Brambleclaw, and Ashfur? Take the person who is being fought over (the fightee) and have them flip a coin with the two fighter's picture glued onto either side. THen, have the fightee flip the coin, and when it lands, whoever is face up wins!!! It is much simpler than devoting an entire book to this complication and/or hindering the plot just because the fightee is too stupid to just PICK one!!!
ok, end rant.
The End!!!
Ok, now try it. Take the most infuriating love triangle from a book (or real life, if this has ever happened to you) and apply it to this solution. The Katniss, Peeta and Gale situation? Ky, Cassia, and Xander? Meghan, Ash and Puck? America, Maxon, and Aspen? Max, Fang, and the Dylan Poop? Bella, Edward, and Jacob? Aragorn, Arwin, and Eowin(Ok, this one not so much, but still, really????) Squirrelflight, Brambleclaw, and Ashfur? Take the person who is being fought over (the fightee) and have them flip a coin with the two fighter's picture glued onto either side. THen, have the fightee flip the coin, and when it lands, whoever is face up wins!!! It is much simpler than devoting an entire book to this complication and/or hindering the plot just because the fightee is too stupid to just PICK one!!!
ok, end rant.
