A Very Low-Cost Story
Once upon a time, there was a Walmart employee named Helen. She was working at the cash register one day when a pale man with no hair or nose walked in.
'Hello, sir, how may I help you today?' She asked. The man took a stick out of his long black dress and pointed it at her.
'Imperio!' He cried. Helen stared at him for a second, wondering if the local asylum had lost a member.
Her reckoning was correct. A greasy haired man with an abnormally long nose came over to the register with his groceries and an old lady.
'Ah, Voldemort. I've been looking for you.' He smiled and gave the confused bald fellow a hug. Helen and the old woman watched in confusion as the greasy man helped the bald one with his groceries.
Remembering her job, Helen said, 'Would you care to buy some mango smoothies? I've got coupons!' The bald man squealed and ran away. Mr Greasy glared at Helen.
'Now I have to find him again! It's hard enough finding Harry, but now this!' Greasy ran after Baldy. Helen assumed Baldy's real name was Harry, which was rather amusing, as he had no hair.
'Would you like to buy some coupons?' Helen asked the old woman. She shook her head.
'I am the Queen. That man- Snipe? Snake?- dragged me out here. I didn't even know we had Walmart in the UK.' Helen's jaw dropped. This little old lady was the Queen of England!? And she had never been to a British Walmart!!?? The Queen grinned at Helen's expression and returned home. Helen waited for another customer.
Eventually two twin redheaded boys came up to Helen.
'Hello!' They said in unison, putting their bags up on the counter. Helen opened them to find hundreds of fireworks. 'Er, what are you doing with these?' The twins grinned evilly.
'It was Fred's idea.' One said, pointing at his twin.
'Was not, George! You're the one with a thing for muggle pyrotechnics!' Fred insisted. Helen did not know what pyrotechnics were, but assumed it meant fireworks. The twins continued to argue about whose idea it was.
Two very short men showed up and introduced themselves as Merry and Pippin. Helen watched in confusion as they joined the twins' conversation. Another man, dressed up as a Zucchini, showed up too. He pulled out a bright pink iPhone and yelled, 'Let's flip a coin!!' Merry, Pippin, George, Fred, and a very confused Helen watched as he flipped a Fred-George themed coin.
'Would you fancy some coupons?' Helen offered weakly.
'I don't think this is possible, but the coin landed on its side 99 times. You both did it!' Zucchini announced. Everyone stared blankly at him, having forgotten what the flip was for in the first place.
'I am leaving now.' Merry announced.
'Wait! Would you like a coupon?' Helen shouted after him. The hobbit walked away. Helen began to cry. Chewbacca went over to her and patted her on the back.
'Mrrrrraaaaw.' He said comfortingly. Helen stopped crying and hugged Chewy.
'That was so romantic!' She said. And then Ms Fee entered the grocery store.
'OMG!' She screamed. 'WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THIS GROCERY STORE HAD CEILING FANS?' Fred, George, Pippin, Helen, Zucchini, Chewy, the Queen (who had come back at some point not mentioned in the story), and the bald bloke whose name Helen thought was Harry all stared at Ms Fee.
'Er, would you like a coupon?' Helen asked. Ms Fee declined and began tearing the fans off the ceiling.
A round boy wearing a shirt that said 'TEAM GAIL/ED DUDE' walked in. Everyone looked at him and Helen said, 'Would you like-' The boy stopped her with a wave of his hand.
'Of course I will marry you!' He announced. Helen was very confused.
'I was going to ask if you wanted a Walmart coupon to any British Walmart of your choice. Walmarts in America are excluded.' She grinned that creepy cashier grin. The boy was shocked.
'But... But everyone wants to marry me! I am Pita Milky!' He protested. 'And isn't this the only Walmart in Britain?'
'It is a great marketing strategy.' Pippin pointed out. Helen lost it suddenly.
'THAT IS IT. YOU ARE ALL TAKING MY COUPONS RIGHT NOW.' She ordered and began handing them out with her fake cashier smile. Everyone was stunned (literally- Harry Potter showed up and Stupefied them all) as Helen carted them and their coupons (which mysteriously multiplied and turned into mango smoothies) outside on a shopping cart.
