A Very Romantic Story
By ZB
Princess Leia: Mozart, I have a confession to make.
Mozart: You are desperately in love with me?
PL: Yes, but that's not it.
M: What is it, sweet-sugary-lemonade-candy-heart?
PL: I want a magical pony.
M: (dies for no reason whatsoever)
Queen Elizabeth II: (rides in on magical pony) I'm an awesome old lady. Also, I'm the Queen of England!
PL: Can I have your pony?
QE: No.
PL: Why not?
QE: Because he's mine.
PL: No, he's mine.
QE: No, he's mine.
PL: I speak horse. He says he's mine.
The Doctor: (walks in) No, actually, he says that his name is Verizon and he belongs to the Sorting Hat.
Sorting Hat: (teleports in through a magical fiery portal with sparkles and marshmellows soaring out of it, as well as Gary the Snail; lands on Queen Elizabeth's head) RAVENCLAW!
QE: Ooh, yay!
D: Here's your horse. (takes hat from Queen Elizabeth)
Gandalf the Grey: (walks in) Hey, don't touch that hat! (draws sword and staff) YOU SHALL NOT PASS THAT HAT OVER TO THE PONY!
D: What? Why!?
GG: That's my... er... girlfriend? No, boyfriend? Hatfriend? I've got it! MY WOMBATFRIEND! Unhand my wombatfriend!
D: Sorry. (gives Gandalf the hat)
GG: I love you soooooooooo much!
SH: I know, Gandalf-sweetie! Your nails look so pretty painted bright sparkly green like that!
GG: They're not painted.
SH: Oh. (awkward silence falls)
Silence: Ah, sorry, I tripped! I'm so awkward! (leaves)
D: (runs after Silence)
Edgar Allen Poe: (enters) Waaaaaaaaaaait foooooooor meeeeeeeeee!
D: (pauses) Who are you?
EAP: I love you.
D: Um, okay? I love you, too?
EAP: Let's get married.
D: Okay? I just have to... what was I doing, again?
QE: I have no idea.
PL: MRAAAAAAW! (which can be translated as 'Look, a rock band!'
Galadriel: Hi, we're a rock band! We're called Convenient Plot Devices/Love Interests!
Watson: I thought we were the Elf-Human-Mouse-Witch-Hobbit-Deity-Dinosaur-Cat-Dark-Lord Cellphones?
G: No, that was an hour ago. We change names every hour. (band randomly starts playing)
PL: MRRRRAAAAW? (which can be translated as 'Can someone tell me and the readers who these people are?')
GG: Well, we've got Galadriel on drums, Watson on bagpipes, Mickey Mouse on vocals, Fleur Delacour on heavy metal guitar, Frodo on bongos, God on upright bass, Voldemort on flute, Pippin on GarageBand loops, Bilbo on alphorn, a T-Rex on Nordic keyed fiddle, the Cat in the Hat on sitar, and Rita Skeeter appears to be making fish faces. I don't know what noise that makes, but okay.
Mickey Mouse: (sings) Don't insult Riiiiiiitaaaaaa. I love Riiiiiitaaaaaa!
Rita Skeeter: *faints*
Voldemort: Aw, how totally sweet! She, like loves, like, you, too!
Cat in the Hat: Actually, I think it might've had something to do with the Mr Sykes' Yodelling Hits From the Mountaintop songs she was listening to on her iYodeller.
Bilbo Baggins: YODELS? WHERE?
Pippin: Nowhere! They were lying!
BB: I MUST BOOGIE! (dances and yodels)
Fleur: Mickey Mouse, I love you!
T-Rex: Ooh, romantic tension. There's a love triangle!
QE: Can you tell me who's in it? For plot purposes?
TR: I think it's Mickey, Fleur, and Rita.
MM: Fleur Delacour, I love you.
W: That was fast.
FD: I know! (they run off and have a huge wedding on Easter Island)
V: Hahahaha, I'm sooooo evil! (rides around the room on a pink unicycle plastered with My Little Pony stickers)
P: You forgot your helmet.
V: OMG, no, I didn't.
P: Yes; I can see your bald head.
V: It's, like, an invisible helmet. Totally.
P: Oh! That's good! I love your bald head! It's so pulchritudinous!
V: Oh, people totally said, like, the same, like, thing about the, like, man-who-was-once-on-my-head's hair, too. Like. Totally.
D: Yeah, sorry about that.
V: Dude, you're totally, like, a different person.
D: Yeeeeah, long story.
V: Like, totally, tell me now.
D: Hey, Edgar Allen Poe, wanna go get married?
EAP: YEAH! (they leave)
V: Something, like, totally tells, like, me that, like, that was totally for, like, plot, like plot porpoises.
PL: MRRRAAAAAAAW! (which can be translated as 'I am a porpoise')
Mozart: (wakes up) Sugar-sweetness-lollipop-kisses, me too! (the two porpoises swim off into the sunset)
BB: I wasn't aware there was an ocean here. (continues boogieing to his own yodels)
Galadriel: (suddenly notices Gary the Snail) Oh my Galadriel.
GS: Meow.
G: Meow.
GS: Meow.
G: Meow.
GS: Meow.
G: Meow.
God: Um, can you guys stop that? (Gary and Galadriel, who have agreed to rule the world together, go off to make dinner with penguins)
Frodo: How did you do that?
God: What, make them leave?
F: Yeah.
God: Like this: Frodo, I am deeply in love with your ears and wish to date them for eternity.
F: Okay. (takes off ears)
God: Oh, me, that's disgusting! Put those back on! How about your full Frodoness accompanies us on our date? (the two leave for Taco Bell)
TR: Hey, guys, I think the author's getting writer's block.
BB: Why would you say that?
TR: 'Cos there's so many characters to pair up.
BB: Let's sort this plot out, then.
W: I don't think there is a plot.
SH: GRYFFINDOR!
Rita Skeeter: Hey! Off my head, hat!
GG: Don't touch my wombatfriend! (hat lands on Gandalf's head)
SH: GRYLYTHERCLAWPUFF!
Everyone: Um, what?
GG: Don't judge the hat! You haven't walked a mile in its shoes!
QE: Right. Everyone, let's take a walk in the hat's shoes. Then we can judge it from a mile away and we'll have it's shoes!
SH: You're definitely SLYTHERIN!
QE: But I was a Ravenclaw!
SH: SLYTHERIN!
TR: What am I?
SH: SLYTHERIN!
TR: Why? Is it just because I'm a lizard? (bursts into tears) I just want to be like other campers at Camp Half-Blood!
BB: (hugs T-Rex for romantic-sub-plot purposes) It's okay. I love you!
Everyone: Awwwww!
BB: Now, let's go to Bertucci's and get some good bread. (they leave for Bertucci's)
RS: Wait! He was going to help us figure out this plot!
CH: I'll do it!
RS: Who's CH?
CH: Cat in the Hat. Duh.
QE: I was gonna go with Chocolate Hamburgers.
W: Caramel Hula-hoops.
GG: Chewbacca's Hamstrings.
SH: Carroty Happenings.
V: Cookie Hockey.
P: Carbonated Horseradish.
RS: It's okay, Cat in the Hat! I love you more than them!
CH: Well, that's all very nice, but... I... I don't love you!
Everyone: (dies)
CH: Ha ha, just kidding!
Everyone: (resurrected; RS and CH go go go go on an adventure)
P: For plot clarity, who's left?
V: Like you. Totally me.
W: Me.
QE: Me.
GG: Me.
SH: HUFFLEPUFF!
Hufflepuff House: How did we get here? (all disapparate)
V: Like, Watson, and, like, Queen, like, Elizabeth, you are, like, totally a boring, like, couple. Please, like, leave. (W and QE, who apparently have been in a relationship the entire time, go conquer the universe with lemon-flavoured lollipops and the Weasley family)
GG: So it's down to us.
SH: We will defeat you! SLYTHERIN!
V: I TOTALLY DO NOT, LIKE, THINK SO!
P: This is a contest?
GG: Voldy, you're Moldy!
V: (gasps)
P: You're grey!
GG: I know.
SH: That was the lousiest insult on the planet. You're not a RAVENCLAW! (an epic battle ensues between Voldy/Pippin and Gandalf/Hat that lasts 10000000000000000000000 years and consists of rock-paper-scissors, pie-throwing, yodelling, and a fair bit of beautifully operatic name-calling)
P: This is boring.
GG: Like this STORY! (celebrates awful comeback)
SH: (lands on Voldemort's head) GRYFFINDOR! (lands on Pippin's head) HUFFLEPUFF! (lands on Gandalf's head) RAVENCLAW! (attempts to land on own head and ends up eating the universe)
QE: Hey, we just conquered that! (gets eaten, too)
The end!
