A Very Waggish Story
By ZB

(Gandalf, Dumbledore, Snape, and Voldemort are planning Peggy Frodo Naribus's birthday at a table)
Gandalf: Where should we host-
Dumbledore: This chalice of champions, this vessel of victory- the Triwizard Cup!
Snape: (applauds)
Voldemort: (wakes up) You should've taken the eagles...
Gandalf: I TOLD YOU!
Everyone else: Er...
G: Anyways, where should we host the party?
Dumbledore: I was thinking Walmart.
Snape: Hmm, why not Hogwarts? I think Naribus would like Hogwarts.
G: I was gonna go with Wagga Wagga- you know, in Australia.
Voldemort: Sorry, what are we talking about?
G: Peggy Frodo's big day.
V: She's getting married?
SS: (facepalm) You're just like your father. Arrogant, idiotic...
V: Yeah. At least he didn't chop my hand off, though.
Luke Skywalker: (enters) Are you talking about me behind my back? (bursts into tears) Daaaaaad!
V: NO! NO, don't call Darth Vader! I can't bear to face him! (faints)
D: Why ever not, Tommy-laddie?
V: (wakes up) Mmm... cookies... (realises everyone is staring at him) Sorry, what?
G: My doppelganger asked why you don't like Darth Vader.
D: Excuse me! You look like ME! YOU are the doppelganger!
V: When we were 5, we went to preschool together. He was always so much eviller than me! It wasn't fair! He baked the evillest cookies, knitted the evillest sweaters... he even gave the evillest hugs! There was his bunny, too, which was named Sauron, who eventually grew up to be the evillest being in the entire universe!
LS: But you were talking about me behind my back! You're meanies!
SS: It seems that there is some miscommunication. Tommy-laddie was obviously talking about Frodo.
Frodo: (enters) Wait, Gollum was my FATHER?
SS: Obviously.
Frodo: HOW LONG HAVE YOU KNOWN?
SS: Always.
D: (squeals) You said that in our film! EEEK! (passes out fangirlishly)
Peggy Frodo Naribus: (enters) Howdy, y'all! How y'all doin'?
Everyone: (sits on table, covering party plans) WE ARE NOT SITTING ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.
PFN: Okay! I, like, totally, like, believe, like, you!
V: You speak my language!!! (squeals) Are you, like, totally, like, from, like, Voldytowne?
PFN: Nay! I simply liketh speakething in different voices.
V: Oh. (leaves randomly)
LS: I'm leaving. (leaves)
Frodo: (entranced by PFN) Are you... are you... are you ME?
PFN: Nein, du bist ich.
F: YOU SPEAK GERMAN! Oh my Gandalf!
PFN: How many times do I have to explain this? NO I DO NOT SPEAK GERMAN OR VOLDYTOWNEIAN! I just like using different voices.
G: So what's this one?
PFN: Er, that, er, last, er, one, was, like, normal, you know? This, er, is, like, uncertain, you know?
V: (falls from the sky in orange pyjamas)
F: Oh my goats!
Gilderoy Lockhart: (appears out of nowhere and lands on the table with Voldemort) This is just like magic!
V: Sorry, I was just auditioning for American Idol.
Everyone: Um...
V: What? The new thing is get-up-on-stage-and-pretend-to-sing-while-wearing-a-rocketship-outfit, so I rebelled and got up onstage and sang in my jammies, but they kicked me off.
George Weasley: Actually, that was the man sticking out the back of your head.
V: WHAT!?
Fred Weasley: Yeah, check it out, everyone- turn around, Tommy-laddie. (Voldemort turns around, showing off a man with a pulchritudinous coiffure that everyone can't believe they missed- after all, Voldy's bald and the man on the back of his head has spectacularly fluffy hair)
Frodo: Oh my germs!
G: Wait, when did Fred and George get here?
V: WHAT'S ON MY HEAD!?
GW: Wow, we were right.
FW: Yeah, I was just saying the first thing that came into my head.
GW: He's actually got a bloke sticking out his occipital lobe.
FW: What on Earth is an occipital lobe?
GW: I dunno. I picked it up from Hermione's Biology homework.
FW: You can take Biology at Hogwarts?
GW: No.
FW: Then where'd she get it?
GW: She didn't.
V: WHAT IS ON MY HEAD?
Man on Head: I am!
V: WHO THE QUACKERY ARE YOU???
Man on Head: Your best friend.
V: NO. SNAPE IS MY BESTIE.
SS: Oh, Tommy-laddie, you're too sweet!
MoH: Okay, then I'm your worst enemy.
Harry Potter: (walks in) YOU TOOK MY JOB. (leaves)
MoH: (sighs)
G: He kinda looks like... no, he can't be!
D: I think he can be!
FW: Nah, you're both wrong. He totally is and isn't at the same time.
GW: But, Fred, that's a paradox.
FW: WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT PARADOXES?
PFN: I'm gonna leave now! Have fun planning my party! (leaves)
FW: How did she know?
GW: Maybe it was the banner strung up there: 'PEGGY'S PARTY PLANNING PARTY PRECEDING PEGGY'S PROPER PARTY!'
FW: Nah.
G: Anyways, who is the man on Tommy-laddie's head?
D: I think he's Eowyn.
SS: She's a woman. (Dumbledore starts singing 'God Save the Queen') Okay, I'm going with-
Man on Head: (falls off Voldy's head as Voldy flips his hair in a very Bieber way) I'm a real boy!
SS: You're not a boy. You're a man, Man.
Man off Head: How did you know? Have you known all along?
SS: Always.
G: Um, who are you?
Man off Head: I'm-
Harry Potter: (reenters) BARTY CROUCH! (everyone gasps; Harry lowers his voice to a dark-sounding Bulgarian accent, grows a little beard thing, and puts on an Azkaban prisoner outfit) Junior. (assorted gasping, 'God Save the Queen'-ing, and running; someone squeals girlishly and passes out- it is discovered to be Gandalf)
Barty Crouch Junior?: No, I'm-
Harry Potter: (dies)
SS: Dude, you, like, totally killed H-Dawg! (starts painting his nails bright turquoise)
BCJ?: No! I-
D: How could you? (dies; resurrected for plot purposes) You turned Snape into a teenage girl! How could you? (dies for plot anxiety)
F: ANXIETY FOR PLOT PURPOSES! OH MY GEORGE, GANDALF IS DEAD!
G: I am not!
F: YES YOU ARE.
G: Okay. (pretends to die)
BCJ?: You're all nuts.
GW: I'm pretty sure we're human, actually. Though there was this time I turned into a cabbage...
FW: Okay, okay. I confess. (takes off costume; Fred is revealed to be an acorn)
BCJ?: Um...
GW: Um...
BCJ?: I'm the Doctor, by the way.
V: No, you're Man off Head.
SS: No, he's Barty Crouch Junior.
GW: Actually, he's David Tennant.
Doctor: I'm leaving. (leaves)
G: Now look what you've done! (runs after Doctor) WAIT FOR MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
SS: I'm totally taking a census. (flips hair) Who's, like, still here?
D: (suddenly alive) Me, you, George and Fred Weasley (who's an acorn), Frodo, Harry (he's dead), Tommy-laddie, and Lockhart.
GL: We are experiencing a shortage of female characters.
FW: (suddenly human again) What about Gandalf?
GW: Well, he left- wait, WHAT? GANDALF WAS A GIRL?
FW: Duh. Dude, you need to keep up with my favourite reality TV show, 'Revealing Male Characters As Girls- Starring Gandalf, Snape, and Darth Vader'. It's my life.
(Ginny Weasley, Umbridge, and Leia enter)
Leia: I'm a girl.
FW: No, you were on George's favourite historical documentary yesterday.
GW: 'Thou Art Not a Girl- Star-eth-ing Leia, River Song, and Ms Fee'.
Umbridge: What does it say about me?
GW: You're not in it.
U: Those quacks!
F: OH MY GRAPES.
Ginny: What?
F: I dunno. I just like saying that.
GW: Oh, okay- wait a minute. Who am I? Am I George or Ginny?
F: OH MY GEORGEGINNY!
GW: I can't do this! (bursts into tears and runs out of the room)
FW: Wait, so did Ginny or George just run out of the room?
GW: I didn't.
FW: WHO THE WAGGISH QUACKERY ARE YOU?
GW: I'm the other GW. And I'm leaving. (leaves)
SS: TOTALLY CENSUS TIME. We've got me, Dumbledore, Frodo, Tommy-laddie, Fred the No-Longer-Acorn, Lockhart, Umbridge, Leia, and a dead Harry.
HP: Oh, I'm not dead. I just ate too many brownies. Bye now! (leaves)
SS: I totally did not see that coming!
(Moaning Myrtle and Neville enter wearing party hats)
MM and NL: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Frodo-
SS: Peggy.
MM and NL: God save our gracious Queen, long live our noble Queen, Weasley is our Queen!
FW: Oh, I'm touched!
Hermione Granger: Have you not realised that Peggy Frodo Naribus LEFT? And we're not supposed to sing until EIGHT o'clock! YOU are singing at 7:54!
FW: Er, who would they be singing to? Naribus left.
Everyone: COME BACK, PEGGY!
PFN: (returns; has become a centaur with a unicorn body and a unicorn horn) I have returned!
Everyone: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PEGGY! Er, wait. What's with the horse?
PFN: It's a unicorn. I'm a unicorn now. Unicorns are cool.
HG: Technically, you're a unitaur. Part unicorn and-
FW: Just stop.
HG: (leaves randomly)
Abraham Lincoln: I'm going to go play badminton with my pet gerbil. (leaves)
Everyone else: Let's party!
PFN: Yay! Wait- where's my cake? And the decorations? And the presents?
Everyone: Um...
PFN: YOU DIDN'T ACTUALLY DO ANYTHING!?
Everyone: We were busy.
PFN: Lucky I brought this, then. (pulls Donut Monster out from behind her back; the monster is on a leash) Oh, who's a good donut? Who's a good donut? (the donut barks) Who's gonna let me eat him up? (donut barks louder and tries to run away) Oh, look! He's excited!
MM and NL: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Harry, happy birthday to you!
SS: He's not even here!
MM: Aaand?
SS: Never mind.
PFN: (still chasing the Donut Monster) Oh, guys, this is the best- though slightly worst- birthday party I've ever had!
Everyone: We know. It's cool.
Voldemort: Yeah! Look what I got you: a Make-Your-Own-Guy-Sticking-Out-The-Back-Of-Your-Occipital-Lobe Kit! It's the coolest thing ever!
SS: You don't TELL people what you got them!
V: I do. I don't like surprises.
SS: Boo.
V: (runs away screaming)
HP: (returns) So all this time I could've just shouted boo and he'd have run away?
SS: Always.



AND A VERY MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU, PEGGY!

Happy birthday!


Danke ZB!!!
 
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