Lord of the Lifesavers
or the Adventures of Tup
or the Adventures of Tup
Once upon a time there was a young hobbit named Lyd-Lyd, who her friends called Tupperware, or Tup. She was a very normal Hobbit, and went to school and got good grades and didn’t get into trouble and was the shortest in her class and had the hairiest feet and was the most Hobbitish hobbit you could find. One normal day, when Tup was about to board the bus that would take her to Middle Earth School, she was stopped by a stranger in a dark cloak and hot pink Converse on the street. Naturally, she recalled her mother's saying about what to do if a stranger wearing a dark cloak and hot pink Converse tries to talk to you: "Always remember, if a stranger wearing a dark cloak and hot pink Converse tries to talk to you, then tie their shoelaces together and run away screaming." So Tup did exactly that. She bent down, tied the stranger's shoelaces into an expert knot (she had taken knot tying classes for precisely that reason), threw her arms up in the air, took a deep breath, and scuttled down the side walk screaming as if someone had just suggested that she eat a stink bug. Tup had gotten about four and a half feet away before she was hit in the back of her head with a small, round object. She promptly face-planted into the concrete. Tup got up, rubbing the back of her head, and looked at the object. It was a lifesaver mint, still in its plastic wrapping. She picked it up, pocketed it, and resumed screaming and running.
When Tup finally arrived at her school, she immediately went to the library, where the Wise Council of Magical People Who Dress Like They Are In Medieval England (WCOMPWDLTAIME) resided. The council consisted of a dwarf named Elizasquiejle, a wizard named Futile Kaylabear the Sparkly Magenta, and an elf named Frodorito. They were all very wise and also conveniently the best friends of Tup. If anyone had a problem, they were usually directed to the Council, because the Council could normally find a solution to everything. SO in came Tup, gasping and still screaming, waving about a lifesaver mint. Tup threw the mint into the center of the table, and the Council crowded around to get a better look. No one dared touch it. There seemed to be an evil presence emanating from the mint that made everyone uneasy.
"Well," said Elizasquiejle, after a long silence. "What is it?"
"I think it is a mint," said Futile Kaylabear. Everyone nodded. Out of them all, Futile Kaylabear was obviously the most wise. She was the long time champion of the Lets Argue About Who Is The Most Wise Person competition, and that was a great honour. "This mint radiates such evil. I believe it to be a possession of our arch nemesis, Great Floating Disembodied Evil Glowing Eye In The Sky That Cant Seem To Leave Us Alone (GFDEGEITSTCSTLUA, Spatula for short)! How did you come about this cursed object, Tup?"
"Well, I was walking to the bus when a stranger wearing a dark cloak and hot pink Converse tried to talk to me. SO i ran away, and they threw this at my head!" said Tup.
"Ah-ha!" said Frodorito. "The stranger wearing a dark cloak and hot pink Converse who tried to talk to you was obviously Spatula's sidekick, Sourman!"
"Oh, no!" cried Tup. "What shall we do???" And with that, Tup fainted from the stress of the day and collapsed on the floor. Of course, she jumped right back up, for she didn’t want to miss the excitement.
"Well, I think the answer is clear," said Elizasquiejle. "We must destroy it before Spatula and Sourman can use this lifesaver mint to their advantage." The dwarf got up, flipped her large, braided beard over her shoulder, grabbed the encyclopedia from a nearby shelf, and held it over the mint. The Council counted down from three, and then the book fell, down and down, and kept falling, until at last, one second later, the encyclopedia slammed down on the mint with a boom. The library around them fell silent.
"Fool!" shouted Frodorito. "The mint can only be destroyed from whence it came! No mortal weapon or encyclopedia can get rid of it!"
"Not even my garbage disposal?" asked Tup.
"No, not even that," said Futile Kaylabear.
"Then, what shall we do?" asked Tup. Futile Kaylabear opened her mouth to respon, but at that moment, Elizasquiejle, who had been playing with the mint, lost her grip on it, and it went flying through the air and langed in Futile Kaylabear's open mouth. Futile Kaylabear coughed and then swallowed. She sat back in her chair, her head bowed. EVeryone crowded around FK, and waited silently, worried about their friend. One minute later, Futile Kaylabear slowly raised her head, a menacing grin on her face. The lights dimmed and dramatic music played as she got up on top of the table and raised her fist.
"MY PEOPLE!!!" she shouted. "IT IS THE DAWN OF A NEW AGE!!! NO MORE SHALL YOU BE RULED IN FEAR BY SPATULA AND HER SIDEKICK, SOURMAN!!! INSTEAD, YOU WILL BE RULED IN FEAR BY ME, FUTILE KAYLABEAR THE SPARKLY MAGENTA WIZARD!!! I AM YOUR NEW QUEEN!!! I AM THE LORD (THOUGH IT SHOULD BE LADY) OF THE LIFESAVERS!!! BOW BEFORE ME OR FACE THE CONSEQUENCES!!!" The Council gasped. This was so unlike their friend!!!
"She has been corrupted by the lifesaver mint!!!" shouted Frodorito.
"That's ironic," said Elizasquiejle.
"Lets all run now, and then spend the next three stories trying to overthrow her and get our friend back!!!" said Frodorito.
"I have a better idea," said Tup. "Just wait thirty minutes for the mint to pass through her digestive system, and then we should be good!" So they all exited the room, gathered up their lassoes, went back in, tied up Futile Kaylabear, dragged her to the bathroom, locked her in, and sat down to wait.
Thirty minutes later, the remainder of the Council looked up from their card game to the bathroom door. There was a loud banging emenating from it, and Futile Kaylabear could be heard from within.
"What do you want?" asked Tup. "Are you uncorrupted now?"
"Yes," said Futile Kaylabear. She exited the bathroom, thoroughly uncorrupted. Then, in the middle of their group hug, the bell rang, and the members of the Council had to go to class.
Later that day, when Tup was coming off the bus to go home, a stranger wearing a dark cloak and hot pink Converse tried to talk to her. But, since her character had obviously been developed over the course of her day, she added her own twist to her mothers advice. Instead of just tying the shoelaces and screaming, she insulted the stranger too.
"FRENCH THE LLAMA!!!" Tup screamed. "YOU SMELL BAD!!!" And then she tied the stranger's shoelaces and went screaming down the sidewalk to her Hobbit-hole.
(some ideas from Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien)
