PART II
Meanwhile, 173 years in the future, a man wearing a sock crown and a pulchritudinous kilt appeared in a store that was once called Ikea (but now its actual name is one of the mysteries of life). A group of people sat in a circle around a tent. Most conspicuous was an ancient man in pyjamas.
‘SNAPE!’ Barty yelled as he ran towards the old man. ‘I love your jammies!’
‘Who?’ said the old man. ‘I think you’re confusing me with someone else. My name is Gandalf.’
‘Hi! Welcome to our tent farm! I’m ZB and this is the Ältërnätë Gäng!’ said a girl in Roman clothes, absentmindedly stroking a blue box next to her.
‘The Alternate Gäng?’ Barty asked.
‘No, the All-ter-na-tay Gäng,’ said ZB. ‘You’ve got to pronounce it correctly.’ Everyone else was introduced: Barty met Luke Skywalker, the Ice Cream Man, Quintus, Juliet, Santa Claus, Bella Swan, and her twin, Hades.
‘Let me tell you me tragic backstory for plot purposes,’ said ZB. ‘I was working in a shop when a lion walked in. I heroically fought off the lion, grabbed Luke here, and dragged him into my TARDIS. We flew off to Tatooine, but there was an incident with a bathroom, so we flew off to Bertucci’s on Mars, where we met this lovely bunch.’
ZB’s monologue was interrupted by a commercial.
ARISTOTLE MUFFIN COMPANY
Interrupts this programme
To bring you news of
The tragic
DEATH
of
EDWARD CULLEN
‘Oh, no,’ Bella said monotonously. She expressed her horribly horrible horror by dying melodramatically with no expression whatsoever.
‘Well, looks like the Ältërnätë Gäng is down a member. Would you like to join?’ Gandalf asked Barty.
Before Barty could respond, a rhinoceros walked in.
‘It must have smelled my perfume,’ Quintus whispered dramatically.
‘Eww, rhino!’ Luke said.
‘Don’t be mean, Luke!’ ZB scolded. ‘It’s just a unicorn hiding its magical powers. Duh.’
POOF! All of a sudden, King Barty, his sock crown of Gondor, and the entire Ältërnätë (minus Bella) Gäng disappeared from Ikea-but-not-really-called-that. They took the floor with them, too, carrying ZB’s TARDIS and the tent (which was bigger on the inside and contained a tent farm: three tents and a cow).
The cow, named William Bacon Fredrick Wöhler XVI, galloped nobly out of the tent tossing her gorgeous hair in epic slow motion. She struck a heroic pose and began to sing mournfully:
‘Charge! Attack! Advance!
Would you like to go for a prance?’
I asked my stuffed antelope
Copernicus likes green cantaloupe
Even though he could get poisoned
He liked crepes filed with soy sand
But it was in fact lethal
So he died
‘Where are we?’ Luke asked.
‘I don’t think we’re in not-Ikea anymore,’ Santa remarked.
Whoa! They were in…
Wait for it…
Wait for it…
Suspense…
More suspense…
It’s coming…
Cue dramatic music…
Aaaaaaand…
They were in…
The newly-established SOUTH SUDAN! It was very helpful that there was a little sign next to them that said ‘You are in South Sudan.’
Suddenly, though, the magical goddess Äüthör became very angry at the Gäng, who was forced to hurry into ZB’s TARDIS, as Barty was without his time (and apparently space) travelling abilities for the moment.
‘WAAAAAAAAIT!’ Gandalf screamed. ‘WE FORGOT THE LACTAID!’
With heroic heroism, Gandalf the hero ran out into the snowy winter wonderland of South Sudan, grabbed the chunk of non-Ikean floor, and hurried back into the TARDIS.
‘Phew, that was a close call,’ said the Ice Cream Man as sounds of destruction could be heard from outside (later, historians would all cross South Sudan off the maps). He then turned around, got down on one knee, and proposed to Juliet.
‘Juliet, will you marry me?’ He asked, holding out the little South Sudan sign (because he didn’t have a ring).
A waiter with a purple and green mohawk ran out of the TARDIS crying.
‘Yes! I will marry you,’ responded Quintus. Everyone in the TARDIS went silent, aside from ZB, who was doing the Macarena. Then Hades coughed.
‘Great, I’ll go shop for a wedding dress,’ said the Ice Cream Man. ‘William Bacon Fredrick Wöhler XVI, will you be the best man?’ She nodded.
The TARDIS materialised on the Death Star, and ZB, Juliet, and William Bacon Fredrick Wöhler XVI went shopping in an Antarctic Walmart. After several months of searching for the perfect dress, Juliet found it in the corner of the soap section. It was beautiful!
Satisfied, Juliet ran out of the store, chased by security guards (she hadn’t paid). She did ninja moves in the parking lot before strolling into the TARDIS. When Barty saw her, he screamed like a Walross Papagei. IT WAS HARRY’S BALLGOWN!
The intense horror of the moment made the Ältërnätë Gäng, TARDIS, floor, tents, and Death Star disappear. Poof!
***
Somewhere in Gondor, the General Population was eagerly awaiting the epic wedding of King Barty of Gondor (recently vanished, but Everyone assumed that it was a warm up for the actual wedding) and his fiancée (who wasn’t there either, but Everyone forgot about that).
‘How much longer? General Population whined.
‘I don’t know, but these cookies are marvellous,’ Everyone said, swallowing the refreshments table whole.
Over in the corner of the throne room, the Güttënbërg Gäng was making pancakes. Snape poured several pints of sugar into the batter, only to be scolded by MWBWLLD for using pink sugar instead of fuchsia. Then the pancake batter exploded.
‘By Smaug, it’s Archimedes!’ Mr Sykes exclaimed as his nose grew six inches. Then Hermione stopped hallucinating. She fell asleep and the Gäng, who was not actually making pancakes, nearly caused the chandelier to collapse when a high velocity waffle was propelled up into it by the force of the exploding waffle maker.
Suddenly, the strangest thing happened. An overreaction occurred.
‘Oh, no,’ said Darth Vader. ‘My socks don’t match!’
Then the most everyday occurrence occurred.
A loud whirring noise split the silence dramatically.
‘Thanks for ruining my day!’ The Silence said, glowering at the blue box and giant, mouldy gum-ball that were appearing. The large, mouldy gum-ball was kindly transported outside of the Castle Thingy of Gondor, because otherwise, the gum-ball thingy would have probably taken down the roof.
The doors to the blue box opened.
