PART IV
The doors of the blue box opened once more and several people walked out. They stood in a line facing the Güttënbërg Gäng. One of them, a man with a beard who looked like MWBWLLD wearing a nightie, held a large banner that said: THE ÄLTËRNÄTË GÄNG (brought to you by the Ältërnätë Gäng).
It was the ultimate face-off. ZB whipped out an intensely intense cake of intensity covered in intense bunnies, flowers, and Death Eater figurines. McGonagall had eaten the Güttënbërg Gäng’s cake, so they lost instantly.
‘Whoa,’ said Hermione. ‘This is totally like you guys are us from an alternate universe!’
‘And this is like a little me!’ A man who looked suspiciously like King Barty giggled, plucking his figurine off ZB’s intense cake.
‘Hey!’ Darth Vader yelled as he ran over to hug the mouldy gum-ball thingy sitting outside. ‘It’s my Death Star!’
‘And that’s Harry’s dress!’ MWBWLLD said, pointing at Juliet. ‘And my South Sudan sign!’ He pointed at the sign duct taped to Juliet’s finger.
There was a moment of silence. No-one spoke. Then someone coughed and, all of a sudden, everyone rushed to King Barty and hugged him.
‘AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW,’ played from hidden speakers. William Bacon Fredrick Wöhler XVI had pressed a button.
‘NOT THE WAR CRY OF THE WAFFLE WIZARD’S MOUSTACHE! NOOOOO!’ Gandalf whispered seductively. Everyone panicked and ran into the tornado cellar.
Outside, the terrifying terror of the terrorising Waffle Wizard and the Wizard’s moustache could be heard.
‘Hey, guys, where’d you go?’ The monotonous voice was familiar to no-one but the strangely glittering (and fanged!) fairy princess at the back of the cellar. A shape loomed in front of the door of the cellar, casting a shadow on everyone (except for the glittering fairy princess, who emitted his own personal glow).
Hades, who had a gluten allergy, proceeded to grab the glittering fairy princess by his ugly hair and throw him at Bella (the Waffle Wizard’s moustache). Both met a fate worse than death by unicorn impalement. They got married. To beanbag chairs. Who just so happened to be related to King Barty’s throne/fiancée.
‘O Great Pulchritudinous-Coiffure Man,’ a beanbag said to Barty, ‘I apologise, but your fiancée has left for Mars to establish the Italian Pancake Empire.’
‘Okay,’ said Barty. ‘Let’s go visit her...’
‘NO!’ McGonagall interrupted. ‘We have put off our quest for the magical time-travelling socks for too long!’
‘I agree,’ said Dolores ‘Unabridged’ Umbridge. ‘This plot has been far too abridged.’ Then Dolores ‘Unabridged’ Umbridge died.
And then, on some strange other planet, a pulchritudinous goddess named Sqüïshälïcïöüsnëss pelted her friend, Pöggÿ thë Fröggÿ, with puzzle pieces, as the universe had turned into a Blaaaaah Sand Dune. Then that planet imploded, leaving only the amazing Pöggÿ thë Fröggÿ alive. Technically, though, Sqüïsh wasn’t alive to begin with, so she just flew off to Mars with the almighty TIME HAIR. Both of them hurtled through space, singing:
Sqüïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïïsh!
Then they crashed into Mars and died. At least they managed to profess their intense love for each other before they died- after all, the song can be translated as, ‘Will you marry me?’ ‘Of course!’ ‘Ooh, look, Bertucci’s!’
After joining forces, the Güttënbërg Gäng loaded the Latex onto the Lactaid and both Gängs set off to find the magical time-travelling socks.
‘Hey, did we ever rename Ikea?’ Mr Sykes asked after a few millennia. ‘I really want to know what it’s called!’
‘Does it need saying?’ Barty asked enigmatically.
‘YES!’ Everyone shouted.
‘Too bad,’ he said, cackling evilly. Everyone cried, even Barty.
To save Barty’s life from gods and goddesses with evil or murderous intentions, Gandalf cast an Immortality Spell over Barty. But, Gandalf accidentally mixed up his spells and, instead of turning Barty immortal, he turned Barty immoral.
But there was a way to break the spell. William Bacon Fredrick Wöhler XVI stepped forward and bestowed true love’s kiss upon Barty, thus breaking the spell and instead turning Barty immortal. But, alas, William Bacon Fredrick Wöhler XVI was not Barty’s true love (his true love is the second mystery of life, right after the true name of not-Ikea), and so Barty remained immoral. The only cure was the true hug of the Candy Cane Slash Peppermint God. So both Gängs set off on a side quest to find Barty’s cure.
‘I HATE these stupid quests!’ Barty complained. ‘They’re so dumb, and so are all of you!’ He stuck his tongue out at the Gängs.
Then the Gängs put Barty in a timeout. ZB decided to reassume leadership of the Ältërnätë Gäng, so she took his crown and placed it on her head. Thunder rumbled and lightning flashed. A voice spoke from the sky:
‘SORRY, ZB, BUT YOU SHALL NOT PASS OR TAKE THE CROWN FROM THE KING OF GONDOR.’
Then a magical role of duct tape appeared and taped the sock crown to Barty’s head.
The mittens burst into song:
Ptolemy went skydiving
While he was pie-driving
Einstein did some hell-raising
And some really epic trailblazing
Then this really giant apple
Drinking pomegranate Snapple
Quintus then shouted, ‘I have discovered a sign!’ He pointed at a long banner that nobody else had seen. It read, ‘HERE LIVES THE CANDY CANE SLASH PEPPERMINT GOD.’
‘I think we’re in the wrong place,’ McGonagall said. Off in the distance, you could see Gondor, its lone smiley face flag flapping mournfully in the breeze. Then a microscope soared past and ate the flag. Oh, no.
‘EHEUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!’ Santa Claus said with a girlish giggle.
Trumpets blared. Confetti was thrown at both Gängs. Curtains opened and out stepped the Candy Cane Slash Peppermint God.
‘Baaaaartyyy, laaaaddiiiieee!’ The Candy Cane Slash Peppermint God said, reaching out to hug Barty. Barty was horrified.
‘Poop you!’ He yelled at the Candy Cane Slash Peppermint God. ‘You’re not my friend anymore!’
The Candy Cane Slash Peppermint God burst into tears, song, and cookie-baking.
Cookies! Cookies!
This song is so profound
Wookies! Wookies!
This is a beautiful sound
La, la, la, la, cookies all day
Ba, ba, ba, ba, that’s what dinos say
Mrawwwwwww! A dinosaur appeared. Gandalf raised his staff and sword, shouting, ‘YOU! SHALL! NOT! CLASH!’ He was referring to the dinosaur’s poor choice of clothing colours.
‘Nooooo!’ The Candy Cane Slash Peppermint God shouted. ‘That’s my pet, Duffy!’
To be continued once we find part 5...
