The Adventures of Snape in His Jammies
(Part I)
Rated Z for Zip-lining
Once upon a time, there was a guy named Plato. He was named Plato because, a long time ago, one of his ancestors ran away with a spoon on a night where a cow jumped over the moon. Unfortunately, Plato isn’t very interesting, so someone unleashed a cloned sheep-dinosaur-telescope on him, and he died the next morning because he burned his hand on his bathroom doorknob. The cloned sheep-dinosaur-telescope was left all alone with no-one to take care of him, so he left the house with a hobo sack to go find the meaning of life.
The next day, Harry Potter awoke to find that, overnight, his fingers had started glowing purple. Wow! He was magical! A random man with a beard walked in and said, ‘You’re a hobbit, Harry.’ This man looked suspiciously like his headmaster, Dumbledore, and invited Harry on a quest to find the omnipotent magical time-travelling socks.
Suddenly, Harry’s old friend Luke Skywalker jumped up and warned him not to go. Apparently time travel was dangerous, and the last time he tried it, he ended up kissing his sister. Harry didn’t have a sister (though he did have a half-of-a-third-six-times-removed-on-his-mum’s-sister’s-dad’s-teacher’s-cat’s-side brother named Gimli), so he wasn’t worried. So he accepted the offer and set off with the Man-With-Beard-Who-Looks-Like-Dumbledore to find the magical time-travelling socks.
Suddenly, Snape walked in wearing his jammies and began to sing:
Since the dawn of capes
I have made good friends with grapes
Alfred Humphrey was the leader
And Sauron had an egg-beater
From which his power flowed
But his garden overflowed
So his beloved giant muffin
Bought a teddy bear with stuffin’
And left him for a cookie tray
And the song ends here, I say
But, unfortunately, I’m not speaking
So I took a holiday to Peking
And kept on singing all day long!
Here ends the song!
The effect was astonishing. As it turns out, singing in one’s jammies results in the amplification of the thoughts of one’s mittens.
Because of this, the Man-With-Beard-Who-Looks-Like-Dumbledore decided that he wanted to go to Taco Bell. But, sorry, the mittens disagreed, so they went to Bertucci’s because they have good bread.
So MWBWLLD, jammied Snape, Harry, the mittens, and Mr Sykes, who was bored and felt like eating good bread, took Darth Vader and Professor McGonagall to Bertucci’s, which is secretly on Mars. But, alas, sadly, no-one could actually get to Mars, so they needed to call their friend for a ride.
Quite distressed, the Güttënbërg Gäng phoned their good friend Barty Crouch Junior (who was also Harry’s fourth cousin’s boyfriend’s sister’s son’s king of Gondor’s worst enemy’s daughter’s friend’s swim team buddy’s uncle). All of a sudden, after they ended the phone call and were waiting for Barty to show up, the mittens started singing:
Doo wee doo
Doo wee oooo
Wuh wuh wuuh
Wuh wa wuuuh
Once there was a Time Lord
Who had a thing for cardboard
And always carried duct tape
He became besties with a rainbow ape
With whom he went to Mordor
But one does not simply walk into Mordor
So they went to Ikea
Suddenly, the Güttënbërg Gäng and Barty were teleported to Ikea, as the song had magical properties. In Ikea, McGonagall got distracted by a $2.00 lamp, so she wandered off, leaving the rest of the Gäng (plus Harry) to settle down and pitch camp in the Ikea cafeteria.
The Gäng (which now included Barty and Harry) started up a Scottish tent farm in the cafeteria. They began to sell tents for cheaper than what Ikea was selling them for, so they eventually drove Ikea out of the tent business. They were growing tents faster than Ikea possible could because they had Mr Sykes- a farmer of rainbows, muffins, and tents- in the Gäng. Eventually, Ikea recognised their tent-growing superiority and handed the company over to them.
‘Who calls a company Ikea? We should name it something else,’ Barty suggested. Just then, dramatic music started to play and a spaceship that looked like a mouldy gumball crashed into the roof. Out strolled Darth Vader, cape fluttering majestically in the non-existent breeze.
‘I thought you were in the Gäng!’ Harry said. ‘How did you get there?’
‘I got lost on my way to the toilet,’ said Darth Vader.
‘We were just renaming Ikea,’ said Hermione, who had appeared and was handing out tubs of cotton candy.
‘Why don’t we call it-’ started Barty, but he was interrupted by more dramatic music playing.
‘Sorry, sorry,’ said Darth Vader, pushing a button. ‘I left my soundtrack in.’
As it turned out, the button that he had pressed was actually just the ‘Next Song’ button. Mulan’s ‘Make a Man Out of You’ started blasting. Or so it seemed…
Let’s get down to business
To rename the store
Give me one more cookie
I had asked for four
Harry then ate the radio because the artist had forgotten the lyrics and was playing static. The radio disagreed with Harry and he rushed to the bathroom. Unfortunately, he got lost.
‘Let’s get back to the original plotline,’ carolled the mittens. So they packed up, sold their tent farm, and bought a fleet of parachutes to paraglide away.
But then they realised that Ikea sold kayaks that were smaller on the inside, so they strapped one to a parachute and gathered inside. They launched their kayak-parachute ship (called the Latex) and flew heroically off into the sunset. After several decade of sunset-flying-into, Snape noticed that the side of the Latex was plastered with huge purple and orange letters: FED-EX. Off in the distance, sirens could be heard.
‘Oh, no!’ Darth Vader cried. ‘We stole a Fed-Ex kayak!’
‘Actually, my friend Bilbo Weasley and I stole it from Burger King, who stole it from Aristotle, who stole it from Ms Fee, who stole it from Chewbacca, who stole it from Sauron, who stole it from my grandma’s cat’s friend’s sister’s post man’s Santa Claus impersonator named Queen Benjamin Franklin IV,’ Barty corrected him.
‘Nobody panic!’ MWBWLLD shouted. ‘I have hand sanitizer!’
Of course, the coconut-cupcake-waffle scented sanitizer attracted hundreds of people within a thousand mile radius. Soon a large crowd had gathered below them, all crying out for the coconut-cupcake-waffle scented sanitizer.
In a heroic attempt to save the Gäng, Hermione fed all the sanitizer to Harry and sacrificed him to the growing horde. As Harry fell, the wind ruffled his hair and a trail of coconut-cupcake-waffle scent trailed out behind him, so pulchritudinous that it left a visible streak of sparkling pink across the sky.
The Gäng began to epically sing an epic song of Harry’s epicness.
Harry is so majestic
His pants are made of epic
The glittery, pink streak
Like a duckbilled platypus without a beak
Trailed behind him in the sky
And everybody wondered why
That epic kid just wouldn’t die
’Cos instead of falling splat
He flew like a majestic cat
Barty sighed. ‘At least I have no more competition in the skirt department.’ He was referring to his extravagant kilt, which was 1,000,000 times cooler than Harry’s ball gown.
Harry zoomed around in the sky for a bit, doing figure-8s and flips and stuff like that until he got bored, floated gently to the ground, and passed out epically.
‘Eheu!’ MWBWLLD cried, passing out as well. As it turns out, passing out is contagious, so everyone else passed out as well.
They were all resurrected when the mittens, who were resistant to contagious, courageous passing out, began to sing a song.
MWBWLLD! MWBWLLD!
Once there was a chipmunk who lived in a tree
The valleys are dead with the sound of silence
And my car has just run out of mileage
My cat who wears yellow scarves
Is a professional plumber who carves
Little pictures of Dracula in sparkly paint
Hidden deep inside his pocket of saints
The song was so incredibly horrendous that the entire Gäng woke up and McGonagall (who has terrible musical taste) re-joined the Gäng in order to throw the ultimate party. The party was to celebrate the epic crowning of Barty as he assumed his role as the King of Gondor (Harry was evicted from the choosing due to his constipation issues).
The Gäng flew the Latex to Disney Land, where the crowning would take place within the cavernous cavern of Cinderella’s Cavern. A majestic red carpet rolled out in front of Barty as he strolled majestically down the aisle towards his throne-to-be; trumpets blared.
Barty settled into the plushy beanbag throne and, for no reason at all, started flirting with it.
‘If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put B and B together because our names both start with B!’ Barty said flirtatiously, fluttering his eyelashes and waggling his eyebrows. He stretched his arm romantically over the beanbag chair’s non-existent shoulders.
As Barty got engaged to his chair, McGonagall the ninja did several thousand backflips over to the happy couple, bearing the Crown of Gondor. Trumpets blared again and the gathered crowd fell silent, aside from Darth Vader’s recently-regurgitated radio, which he had accidentally left playing again.
‘We are gathered here today to celebrate the union of Barty’s head and the Crown of Gondor. If you were expecting Barty’s marriage to his throne, please return tomorrow at 9:00 in the morning,’ announced McGonagall the ninja. Gollum stood up, sighing, and left the coronation.
The dramatic music was turned up and McGonagall slowly lowered the crown onto Barty’s pulchritudinous coiffure, resting the socks (for that was what the crown was made of) majestically atop his head that suddenly wasn’t there. Everyone gasped and fainted dramatically. Where were Barty and the sock Crown of Gondor? Where had they gone?
EHEU!
Barty’s fiancée rolled away sadly to join Santa Claus in his quest to destroy the One Earring, which made the wearer do terrible things, like create infinite conga lines.
